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So, about Ducky.
Nov. 22nd, 2006 08:26 pmFirst of all, I'm thirteen and a half weeks, and I'm due May 26. Honestly, by my count (and my count is, I have to say, very accurate) I'll be fourteen weeks tomorrow. By the doctor's official count, it'll be on Saturday, so I'm going with that one despite my reluctance. Two days sounds like nothing but it has seemed like an awful lot during this first three months. We found out on September 13, officially confirmed by blood test on September 14. Can you believe I've kept it a secret that long?
Yesterday, I had my second official prenatal visit and my third ultrasound. Given the confirmation of a living baby plus the fact that I was finally into the second trimester, I gathered up all my courage and told my lovely, lovely co-workers yesterday. I love them, by the way. They are pretty, all of them, and they will never know how much I appreciate how happy they are for us and how normal they made me feel.
Most of you know this, but we have had some issues with infertility. If I know you in real life and you didn't know, please understand that I didn't keep it a secret because I don't trust you or because I didn't want you to know, but it's a difficult subject to talk about and an even more difficult subject to keep people updated on, and I am kind of private about these things to begin with. It's never been an issue of shame, though, so I am trying to make myself be a little more open about it with certain people--the ones I would have told before if circumstances had been different--now that there is a resolution. (Or, hi, this paragraph is directed at my two LJ-reading work friends. To sum it up--I really wanted to tell you about that, too, but I just couldn't.) Anyway, I'm just saying that I have not been feeling so normal about this pregnancy for a lot of reasons. I have been very afraid of miscarrying from the beginning. I could give you statistics on this but I won't... I'll just say that it was a little more than first trimester jitters. I am somewhat high-risk from the very nature of how I got pregnant, and I have had a hard time forgetting that. And that's why I waited so long to tell everyone--fear that I will later have to go back and tell everyone that there isn't a baby after all. As hard as it was to wait, that would have been harder, so I stuck it out. Of course, I'm still not out of the woods until (hopefully) May, but the odds are in my favor at last.
The theme of the day has largely been surprise that I kept my mouth shut for over thirteen weeks. To tell the truth, it has been so, so hard, and you have no idea how much energy it takes to keep something like this a secret. At work, where I have to actually interact dynamically with people (the shock and horror!) it has been nearly impossible. We had a new dress code go into effect the day I turned five weeks pregnant. All I could think about was how it was the absolute last time I wanted to buy new clothes, since I was still completely terrified of miscarrying and couldn't bring myself to think ahead, for maternity clothes, at all. I kept turning them down when they went on their daily walks because I was trying to stay off my feet as much as possible at that stage. Doctors appointments, conversations about insurance and baby names and who had something exciting going on for the newsletter. There were so many times that I've wondered if I was giving something away by the way I did or said something, but apparently, there was genuine surprise from all quarters. This makes me happy, as if I successfully completed a super-secret intelligence mission. I would be a great spy!
(Actually, I would be a horrible spy. Yesterday, I didn't even pay attention enough to M to understand what he was saying when he asked me to open the door for him when he came in with the next load of groceries, although I did tell him I would, so I wandered off and he had to struggle to open the door himself with two cases of bottled water in his arms. Keen powers of observation, not so much.)
Anyway, I wanted to say all of those things upfront, because it is just not my normal style to withhold information! I wanted to tell, really I did. And for the few of you who knew--thank you so much for all your support over the last few weeks. It has meant so much to me. And I would add that dreams aside, none of them spilled the beans before I was ready, and I do so appreciate that. Or at least, no one did as far as I know! :) Later posts will be less weighty, and I will tell you more about what's going on.
Yesterday, I had my second official prenatal visit and my third ultrasound. Given the confirmation of a living baby plus the fact that I was finally into the second trimester, I gathered up all my courage and told my lovely, lovely co-workers yesterday. I love them, by the way. They are pretty, all of them, and they will never know how much I appreciate how happy they are for us and how normal they made me feel.
Most of you know this, but we have had some issues with infertility. If I know you in real life and you didn't know, please understand that I didn't keep it a secret because I don't trust you or because I didn't want you to know, but it's a difficult subject to talk about and an even more difficult subject to keep people updated on, and I am kind of private about these things to begin with. It's never been an issue of shame, though, so I am trying to make myself be a little more open about it with certain people--the ones I would have told before if circumstances had been different--now that there is a resolution. (Or, hi, this paragraph is directed at my two LJ-reading work friends. To sum it up--I really wanted to tell you about that, too, but I just couldn't.) Anyway, I'm just saying that I have not been feeling so normal about this pregnancy for a lot of reasons. I have been very afraid of miscarrying from the beginning. I could give you statistics on this but I won't... I'll just say that it was a little more than first trimester jitters. I am somewhat high-risk from the very nature of how I got pregnant, and I have had a hard time forgetting that. And that's why I waited so long to tell everyone--fear that I will later have to go back and tell everyone that there isn't a baby after all. As hard as it was to wait, that would have been harder, so I stuck it out. Of course, I'm still not out of the woods until (hopefully) May, but the odds are in my favor at last.
The theme of the day has largely been surprise that I kept my mouth shut for over thirteen weeks. To tell the truth, it has been so, so hard, and you have no idea how much energy it takes to keep something like this a secret. At work, where I have to actually interact dynamically with people (the shock and horror!) it has been nearly impossible. We had a new dress code go into effect the day I turned five weeks pregnant. All I could think about was how it was the absolute last time I wanted to buy new clothes, since I was still completely terrified of miscarrying and couldn't bring myself to think ahead, for maternity clothes, at all. I kept turning them down when they went on their daily walks because I was trying to stay off my feet as much as possible at that stage. Doctors appointments, conversations about insurance and baby names and who had something exciting going on for the newsletter. There were so many times that I've wondered if I was giving something away by the way I did or said something, but apparently, there was genuine surprise from all quarters. This makes me happy, as if I successfully completed a super-secret intelligence mission. I would be a great spy!
(Actually, I would be a horrible spy. Yesterday, I didn't even pay attention enough to M to understand what he was saying when he asked me to open the door for him when he came in with the next load of groceries, although I did tell him I would, so I wandered off and he had to struggle to open the door himself with two cases of bottled water in his arms. Keen powers of observation, not so much.)
Anyway, I wanted to say all of those things upfront, because it is just not my normal style to withhold information! I wanted to tell, really I did. And for the few of you who knew--thank you so much for all your support over the last few weeks. It has meant so much to me. And I would add that dreams aside, none of them spilled the beans before I was ready, and I do so appreciate that. Or at least, no one did as far as I know! :) Later posts will be less weighty, and I will tell you more about what's going on.
