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Citizen M
During the course of our married life, M and I have done a great many stupid things. I know, it's a great surprise, but yet, there it is. However, in all of that time, I'm not sure I can say with any degree of certainty that we have ever done anything, ever, that was dumber and more unlikely than going on vacation and forgetting our car when we came home. Yes, indeed, we were in the driveway before M noticed that we had left it at his place of employment--and maybe this reflects badly upon me but when he said, "FUCK! The car!" and I saw that there was indeed no vehicle in the driveway.. because even then, I didn't remember that whole thing yesterday where I rushed home from work and packed up all of our stuff for an overnight stay, loaded it into the car, drove to Lexington, took a wrong turn (oh, the indignity, I don't even want to talk about what a moron I am) and then picked up my husband. I thought someone had stolen our dear 1994 Oldsmobile with a broken passenger door and a screwy transmission and a backseat full of empty bottles. HA HA HA HA HA. So, yes. We forgot our car. And you know, I can live with that, I guess. We'll go get it this weekend sometime--I'm just afraid that we'll have dinner or something while we're there and forget to get the car while we're at it.
So, yes. From the previous paragraph you might infer that we spent the night away last night, and you would be right! You're so smart! Actually, due to the magic of my state ID, we got a pretty good rate on an expensive (by our standards, at least.. we usually pay $39) hotel. Or, I should say, we paid more than we've ever paid before for a hotel but it was almost half the rack rate, so that was pretty neat. (Apparently this works in other states, even. I am eagerly anticipating trying it again.) The citizenship dealie was actually at a hotel, and that's the hotel we stayed at. This was an excellent, excellent idea. Seriously. It was so great to not have to deal with two hours of driving and morning Cincinnati traffic. There was a pool and a spa and we had a nice little evening last night, and it satisfied our "going somewhere" requirements so now we get to spend a quiet weekend at home. Except for going to Lexington to pick up the damned car, but I digress.
The ceremony itself was nice. Honestly, it was a little boring because after the oaths were sworn (consisting of everyone raising their right hand and saying "I do", which is something that we didn't even say when we got married, incidentally) there were speeches and they were mostly just boring. But the important thing is that he got his naturalization certificate, and his dime store American flag, and then we could eat lunch. At this point, all of us (my parents came) were mostly just interested in lunch. Citizenship, shmitizenship. ;) No, seriously, it was touching and lovely and now it's over and we are officially an American FamilyTM and it is fine.
And now let me segue gracefully into the next part of this entry--although I briefly considered letting it end here because that would be appropriate and continuous and all sorts of nice things. But, that's just not my style, so I need to tell you folks one more thing before I go. Automatic-flushing toilets. STOP WITH THE FLUSHING TOILETS. We went to Jungle Jim's (international grocery store) today because we were already most of the way there and all, and M bought some lovely cheese and some nasty smoked fish paste and more beer than you could shake a stick at, and I went into the bathroom, which is classily inside a port-a-potty entrance. Seriously. They cut the back off a port-a-potty and used the front of it in place of a door. Why would you do such a thing? But if you're in the market for a port-a-potty (aren't we all?) you just need to mention the Jungle Jim's bathrooms and you'll get 20% off. This made me laugh, because who puts port-a-potty advertisements in grocery store bathrooms? Yeah. Okay, back to the toilets. So I'm following the girly-girl protocol of putting toilet paper on the seat, and the toilet is on overdrive. It flushes THREE TIMES before I can actually manage to sit my bottom upon the seat. And then I sat down, and it flushed again, which gave me the heebie-jeebies because I can't handle sitting on a flushing toilet because it is weird and wrong and really gross and you don't want me to tell you why, okay? Because then you may end up like me and go through life unable to sit down on swirling water. So anyway, I'm sure you can figure out where this is going. I finish my business, stand up and.. Nothing. Nothing nothing more nothing. I am hopping around the stall, trying to make the thing go off. I pretend to sit, I stand back up (both of those things were wildly offensive earlier, apparently, judging fromt he flushing that it inspired) and it still refused to flush. I finally gave in and pushed the manual button in the end and that's what I just don't understand. Please just give us a button. Please. Toilets that flush by themselves, they make me cry.
So, yes. From the previous paragraph you might infer that we spent the night away last night, and you would be right! You're so smart! Actually, due to the magic of my state ID, we got a pretty good rate on an expensive (by our standards, at least.. we usually pay $39) hotel. Or, I should say, we paid more than we've ever paid before for a hotel but it was almost half the rack rate, so that was pretty neat. (Apparently this works in other states, even. I am eagerly anticipating trying it again.) The citizenship dealie was actually at a hotel, and that's the hotel we stayed at. This was an excellent, excellent idea. Seriously. It was so great to not have to deal with two hours of driving and morning Cincinnati traffic. There was a pool and a spa and we had a nice little evening last night, and it satisfied our "going somewhere" requirements so now we get to spend a quiet weekend at home. Except for going to Lexington to pick up the damned car, but I digress.
The ceremony itself was nice. Honestly, it was a little boring because after the oaths were sworn (consisting of everyone raising their right hand and saying "I do", which is something that we didn't even say when we got married, incidentally) there were speeches and they were mostly just boring. But the important thing is that he got his naturalization certificate, and his dime store American flag, and then we could eat lunch. At this point, all of us (my parents came) were mostly just interested in lunch. Citizenship, shmitizenship. ;) No, seriously, it was touching and lovely and now it's over and we are officially an American FamilyTM and it is fine.
And now let me segue gracefully into the next part of this entry--although I briefly considered letting it end here because that would be appropriate and continuous and all sorts of nice things. But, that's just not my style, so I need to tell you folks one more thing before I go. Automatic-flushing toilets. STOP WITH THE FLUSHING TOILETS. We went to Jungle Jim's (international grocery store) today because we were already most of the way there and all, and M bought some lovely cheese and some nasty smoked fish paste and more beer than you could shake a stick at, and I went into the bathroom, which is classily inside a port-a-potty entrance. Seriously. They cut the back off a port-a-potty and used the front of it in place of a door. Why would you do such a thing? But if you're in the market for a port-a-potty (aren't we all?) you just need to mention the Jungle Jim's bathrooms and you'll get 20% off. This made me laugh, because who puts port-a-potty advertisements in grocery store bathrooms? Yeah. Okay, back to the toilets. So I'm following the girly-girl protocol of putting toilet paper on the seat, and the toilet is on overdrive. It flushes THREE TIMES before I can actually manage to sit my bottom upon the seat. And then I sat down, and it flushed again, which gave me the heebie-jeebies because I can't handle sitting on a flushing toilet because it is weird and wrong and really gross and you don't want me to tell you why, okay? Because then you may end up like me and go through life unable to sit down on swirling water. So anyway, I'm sure you can figure out where this is going. I finish my business, stand up and.. Nothing. Nothing nothing more nothing. I am hopping around the stall, trying to make the thing go off. I pretend to sit, I stand back up (both of those things were wildly offensive earlier, apparently, judging fromt he flushing that it inspired) and it still refused to flush. I finally gave in and pushed the manual button in the end and that's what I just don't understand. Please just give us a button. Please. Toilets that flush by themselves, they make me cry.
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Wow!
And congratulations, M! :)
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And, I agree about the flushing toilets. I hate them, too, and I have that same problem, they flush when they aren't supposed to, it's more than gross and unsanitary when they flush with you on them, and they rarely flush when you're finally ready for them to. Ever had one that had a broken button in the end? LOL! That just freaks me out, and makes me mad, and even on an environmentally friendly level it ticks me off due to the wasted water!
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Congratulations to John Q. Citizen!
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