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Worrying revisited
Dec. 7th, 2006 10:06 pmI had another blinding headache today, and it was kindly suggested to me that stress does not help matters. This wasn't in a mean way at all, merely from one worrier to another in the course of a conversation, and it got me thinking about my worrying again. I don't think I'm actually worrying as much as it sounded when I mentioned it earlier this week. I originally worried myself sick over the idea of a miscarriage, but somehow that all slid away after my last doctor's visit at thirteen and a half weeks--that was pretty unexpected. Ducky was still kicking (literally, she was wiggling all over the place) and that made me feel so, so much better that I forgot to worry for a little while. So, when I said that the worrying was returning, I was comparing it to the week or two I spent without fretting at all. It's a very mild worry I feel right now--it's just noticeable after a lovely worrying hiatus.
I have, however, developed a new type of worrying that I'm pretty sure is 100% hormonal. It's not something that I am spending too much time on, but I seem to have discovered that really bad, awful things happen in the world, and thinking about them just kills me. For example, my mom told me something that she had seen in the news about a baby, and it just really made me feel ill to think of all the horrible, horrible people in the world. And, I have this tendency to try to put myself in the shoes of people I don't understand. This is normally something I like about myself, but now, if I try to do it, it just upsets me that someone could feel that way. How could you, for instance, look at a tiny baby, have a horrible thought about it, and then ACT upon that thought? I suppose what terrifies me is that people who do these terrible things could not possibly be sane, and you know, insanity cannot quite be controlled. What if it happens to me? Or to you? The thing is that with my regular worrying, I know how to handle it. I can choose to put it aside or diffuse the train of thought or focus on something else. I just don't yet know what to do with a worry that perhaps the entire freaking world has gone insane and so maybe I will too, so it's hitting me a little harder. And, that's why I think that some of my worrying is hormonal, and having largely to do with bringing a baby into a world that is not always very nice. But I'll be okay. M does not actually let me worry much. He pestered me into telling him what I was worrying about in the last entry, and to his credit, he didn't laugh outright--because I made him promise not to, I think--but he did finally snort and ask if what I was worrying about was even possible. He is good for me, in a lot of different ways. And as much as I say that he puts up with a lot from me, I'm pretty good for him, too. It's pretty awesome that way.
This entire post has been overly self-analytical drivel, and it did not quite end up where I expected it to. I'm not doing too badly with the worrying, as crazy as I make myself sound sometimes. Really! I'm downright breezy about several things that I expected to be a nervous wreck over! That must be progress?
Anyway. Something else I was going to mention is that my dermatographism has returned in the last week or two. It took me forever to figure out what it was, but basically, I'm allergic to myself sometimes. The common thing is that I'll scratch at an itch, and then my skin will react to my fingernails and break out in a welt that itches like crazy and burns a bit. My case is pretty mild, I think. I had a problem with it for about six months two years ago, but it didn't really happen last year. Of course, anti-histamines will take care of it, but I'm off the heavy drugs right at the moment. (This is also inconvenient, as occasionally hitting the Claritin seemed to prevent me from getting sick last year.) I've been trying to figure out what's been triggering it lately, since I've had such a long absence from it bothering me. Hey, guess what can get worse in pregnancy?! :) It's a small price to pay so it's not worth complaining about too much.
I have, however, developed a new type of worrying that I'm pretty sure is 100% hormonal. It's not something that I am spending too much time on, but I seem to have discovered that really bad, awful things happen in the world, and thinking about them just kills me. For example, my mom told me something that she had seen in the news about a baby, and it just really made me feel ill to think of all the horrible, horrible people in the world. And, I have this tendency to try to put myself in the shoes of people I don't understand. This is normally something I like about myself, but now, if I try to do it, it just upsets me that someone could feel that way. How could you, for instance, look at a tiny baby, have a horrible thought about it, and then ACT upon that thought? I suppose what terrifies me is that people who do these terrible things could not possibly be sane, and you know, insanity cannot quite be controlled. What if it happens to me? Or to you? The thing is that with my regular worrying, I know how to handle it. I can choose to put it aside or diffuse the train of thought or focus on something else. I just don't yet know what to do with a worry that perhaps the entire freaking world has gone insane and so maybe I will too, so it's hitting me a little harder. And, that's why I think that some of my worrying is hormonal, and having largely to do with bringing a baby into a world that is not always very nice. But I'll be okay. M does not actually let me worry much. He pestered me into telling him what I was worrying about in the last entry, and to his credit, he didn't laugh outright--because I made him promise not to, I think--but he did finally snort and ask if what I was worrying about was even possible. He is good for me, in a lot of different ways. And as much as I say that he puts up with a lot from me, I'm pretty good for him, too. It's pretty awesome that way.
This entire post has been overly self-analytical drivel, and it did not quite end up where I expected it to. I'm not doing too badly with the worrying, as crazy as I make myself sound sometimes. Really! I'm downright breezy about several things that I expected to be a nervous wreck over! That must be progress?
Anyway. Something else I was going to mention is that my dermatographism has returned in the last week or two. It took me forever to figure out what it was, but basically, I'm allergic to myself sometimes. The common thing is that I'll scratch at an itch, and then my skin will react to my fingernails and break out in a welt that itches like crazy and burns a bit. My case is pretty mild, I think. I had a problem with it for about six months two years ago, but it didn't really happen last year. Of course, anti-histamines will take care of it, but I'm off the heavy drugs right at the moment. (This is also inconvenient, as occasionally hitting the Claritin seemed to prevent me from getting sick last year.) I've been trying to figure out what's been triggering it lately, since I've had such a long absence from it bothering me. Hey, guess what can get worse in pregnancy?! :) It's a small price to pay so it's not worth complaining about too much.
