On Names

[same_sky]

M and I are at an impasse on the whole name thing. We each have a favorite, and we are vying for which one it should be. For the purpose of this entry, let's pretend that my favorite name is Bertha, and his name is Lou*. (Not even freaking close.) He has begun suggesting Lou Bertha. I, on the other hand, maintain that whereas Bertha Lou actually sounds good together**, Lou Bertha just sounds weird, and not good. He doesn't think that it matters how the first name and middle name sound together. Maybe that's a man thing? Because I think it matters a good deal. We have a preference for using the first name as the name that she will go by because using the middle name gets complicated, and therefore, both of us want our name to be first so it will get used.

I told him the other day that if--IF--we went with Lou, we would have to come up with another middle name than Bertha because I didn't want to use my favorite name at all if it would just sound weird as a middle name. He decided to strike a deal with me--if he gets to choose the first name for Ducky, I can have whatever middle name I want without a fuss, AND if Ducky turns out to be a surprise boy, I can choose BOTH of the names without argument. This is kind of a a good deal because I do have a boy's name that I really like and that he won't agree about. (Of course, in that hypothetical situation, I would feel bad about giving a child a name his father didn't like anyway. Not sure HOW guilty, but a little bit anyway. And don't think M hasn't realized that!) I'm not sure I want to go for it but it's nice as a backup plan.

We do like each other's favorite name, which helps. I'm wavering, but I'm not sure I want to give in. First of all, I am pleased with the name that unexpectedly jumped out at me because it is the classiest name I have ever liked, and it has a nice personal meaning to me. I can't say much more than that without potentially giving it away. (This not telling thing is HARD.) My biggest concern (other than "Do I like it enough?" because right now, I don't know if I will ever like anything enough, but I trust that it will grow on me once I've reconciled it as the name I've given my baby) is that it's a semi-old-fashioned name for a tiny little girl.. not necessarily in a bad way, though. I also think (not positive, but pretty sure) that my choice will have family approval... which isn't terribly important but nice.

M's name, on the other hand, is the one name, boy or girl, that he has said that he really liked since we met. I like it.. I'm just not positive I like it enough, AND I know someone who has named their daughter this. I hate to "steal" a friend's name. Some people get upset about that sort of thing. M says that you can't really take that into account because duplicate names happen sometimes. Are people this accepting or is he wrong? On the positive side... it's a name that I have associated with potential offspring for our entire married life, it's pretty and feminine, and I think most people will think it sounds nice. And I do like it, or it would be off the list.

I guess what it comes down to is that I have a little less long-standing attachment to Bertha than he has to Lou, but I'm not sure Lou is perfect for the ducky girl. And besides that, he has shot down a zillion of my suggested names and I've gracefully (mostly) let go of them, but he gets to keep his favorite! That's not fair! ;) We're in negotiations still, but this naming a kid thing? It's really not that easy. How the heck are we supposed to decide who wins?

Anyone have any good suggestions? Just in case neither of us give in and we have to let both Bertha and Lou go? ;)

*Lou: after me! That's a joke that you may not get because Lou is not my most common nickname or anything. My cousin Rae (aka Heidi) always calls me Lou, though, mainly because I call her Rae. It makes no sense, never has. Don't try to understand it.

**Well, as good as this example can sound. Apologies to anyone who is named Bertha Lou.

Comments

[carrieb.livejournal.com]

I really don't think you need to take friend names into account when naming the baby, unless it is a friend you hang with all the time or something. I think you only need to worry about stealing names from family members, and only if you are close.

Sorry I can't help you. I totally got shafted on the name thing with Erik. Mike would only consider two names out of all the millions of names in the world. He absolutely refused the one name I had been heart set on using, saying it sounded like a middle-aged gay man (Kai or Kai-Erik). I think if M gets to name this one, your bargain should be that you get to name the next one. I know you had to go through infertility treatements to get this one, but it happened pretty quickly (comparativly, didn't require IVF anyway) so I'm going to go out on a limb and say you'll eventually have a second.

It is so frustrating, isn't it! I'm so used to getting my way that it was hard to encounter opposition in something so important. Really, though, as soon as Erik was born and we called him Erik he just became Erik and I can't imagine him having a different name. Our next hypothetical boy will be named Kai (and I'm sure Mike will read this and disagree).

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

I think the reason most people seem to say that moms get to choose the names is that men are just so danged contrary about it. Or maybe it's just us, and were particularly blessed to have gotten such opinionated husbands. My M is also "gifted" with the ability to summarize his name opinions in a cutting, mean fashion, and he likes to tell me about which names belong to gay Irish men who are passed out drunk on the street corner, etc etc. ARGH. ;)

p.s. Speaking of nothing, I moved a stack of Christmas cards from 2005 that never got put away (yeah, I know) and saw the card of the three of you for Erik's first Christmas. He was SO TINY! It was a shock to me to see him as an infant again because he's so grown up now!

[mamakoolaid.livejournal.com]

Haha, the name game is always interesting. I remember when my ex really actually thought he was going to get to name our daughter Xena. Yeah... but no. I said, "You know what? When you suffer through five months of morning sickness to the point of being hospitalized and hooked up to IV's, gain weight, swell up like a balloon, get stretch marks, deal with contractions for the last two to three months of pregnancy, go through labor and childbirth and then get to deal with post-partum depression, lack of sleep, constant fatigue and STILL manage to run a household, you can most certainly choose the first name."

This is why our child's name is Dylann. =)

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

And may I just say that I like Dylann much better than Xena. ;)

[kapuhi.livejournal.com]

I always loved the name Grace. You can use it if you want. :)

[patsyterrell.livejournal.com]

Choose whatever name you want, even if your friend's child has the same name. You may not even know those people in five years.

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

True. I will have to take that off the list of excuses we need to use my name instead of his now, though. :)

[courtesy.livejournal.com]

So so so SO curious :)

For what it's worth, I don't think I'd give in. I think I'd offer that if you get to have Bertha he can name the next one whatever he wants...

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

I'm actually curious, too, and I know what the names are. But which will we pick!?

[blue-eyed-girl.livejournal.com]

My feeling is, when it comes down to the brass tacks, the mom gets to choose. At least that's how it works for me!

Seriously, Olof has always had the right to veto anything he absolutely couldn't stand, but I made the final decisions about both first and middle names.

I agree that it's perfectly fine to use a name that a friend has used. It's not actually "stealing" if the person has already gotten to use it, and obviously the relationship isn't so close that it makes you feel you couldn't use it. Go for it, if you like it.

Finally, in the long run, as long as it's not a name you hate, after a few months you'll stop thinking about the kid's name at all. It's just your kid, whose name happens to be X. :)

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

You're right, I can't steal it if they already used it. Good point. And even more, I am really looking forward to that point where I never even think about the kid's name at all!

[ms-jacket.livejournal.com]

If it is Grace, EVERYONE is naming their daughter that so don't worry about it.

My rule for naming is go outside and yell the name like you're calling them in for dinner. See if one of them sounds better when you do that because you're going to say that name A LOT. :-)

I also have to agree with blue_eyed_girl, mom-to-be trumps all.

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

I shall have to try that. I said once that I needed a name that I could yell, but M looked at me like I was crazy. I'm not sure, but I am afraid the poor boy is under the impression that we will never want to yell at his darling precious perfect daughter.

[e11en.livejournal.com]

Agree, moms get to choose. This is how I have a nephew named Wesley Fox. Wesley is the first name, Fox is the middle name and no, neither of them are family names. We all said, FOX? And my brother said, hey, you tell my wife that after being in labor for two days and delivering a 10lb boy naturally that she can't have Wesley Fox as his name. There you go.

As the mother of Ingrid, I have to say that old-fashioned is nice. I am pleased as punch that Ingrid is the only Ingrid and not one of the 20 most common names. Only a few Swedish people and one German friend said that they thought it was a name for a 45-year old lady and not a little girl. Too bad, I had that name picked out since I was 8. If we had another girl, she'd be Astrid and there isn't any way anyone could talk me out of it.

Boy names are way harder. I allowed G to have the middle name choice there since it was important to him and not to me. Do not budge on using your name as the middle name, it would be wasted. Either it's the first name or you save for it a future kid, knowing that, like me and Astrid, you may never get to use it.

And I also agree that you can use the name if a friend has used it for their child. You can't steal it if it's already been used.

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

I kind of think Wesley Fox is cute. ;) I agree that boy names are harder. I was glad that she's a girl so we can avoid the boy naming question a little longer. Btw, I think it's funny that you have always planned on naming a child Ingrid. You were destined to marry a Swede, weren't you?

[(Anonymous)]

Problem solved!! Name her Dominique!! *giggle* :)

[mayna.livejournal.com]

So what are the names, some of us are dying to know. :-)

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

But I'm not allowed to say! I'd like to. I was envious of your poll! We decided not to tell because then we would theoretically have to hear why our choices were so awful. Also, as my mom says, because we're 'hateful'. ;) Can't please them all...

[lizardek.livejournal.com]

Elizabeth is pretty. And so versatile! :D

Bertha Lou is kinda growing on me, now.

Plus, you know, when you actually SEE your baby? None of those names might be HER. She'll let you know, most likely. :)

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

Elizabeth actually sounds really good with M's choice of name, and I do like it. My cousin's toddler is named Elizabeth, though, so sadly, it would be a bit weird. That one is too close to steal. ;)

We will definitely keep our options open when it comes time to give her a name. She may not look like a Bertha or a Lou. (I hope she doesn't, to be honest, because Bertha? And Lou? Do not sound that nice.)