Sweet baby Ducky

[same_sky]

I am already on a "Time doesn't matter" schedule after only four days off from work. Incredible. Of course, it helps that I am actively trying to take it easy. I was actually planning on spending this time getting some stuff done while at home, but then I realized that might not be the most responsible course of action until we find out what the pre-eclampsia likelihood is. I was basically telling M that it would turn out to be nothing because I felt fine, and that's when my mind backtracked through time to a conversation I had with a friend about her experience with pre-eclampsia and how she didn't take her bedrest as seriously as she should have, because she "felt fine". So while I'm still not overly worried, it did occur to me that I really should take it easy. Besides, when else will I make someone happy when they ask me what I've been up to and I tell them that I took a little nap and spent three completely wasted hours surfing the internet, as I did M this afternoon? I actually got so lazy this afternoon that I completely forgot to go cook dinner. Even though I was starving. Or maybe that's not laziness as much as it is stupidity. One or the other.

Now that I am sitting around killing time waiting to go into labor, I am becoming more and more distraught at the notion that I will soon not be able to feel her moving around in my belly. We're pretty much ready for her to come out now, but at the same time.... it's kind of nice that she's just mine, right now. That makes me feel a little selfish since there are so many people, including her daddy, that are pretty anxious to get some quality time with the girl by now, and I wish they could have that, too, of course, and I am dying to see what she looks like and to kiss her all over her little squishy body. But.. right now, she's mine. I am the authority on whether she's awake or asleep or if she likes or dislikes something. She doesn't cry, she doesn't get sick, she's safe (as long as I wear my seat belt.) It's a little overwhelming to contrast that security with the unknown of what will happen during delivery, or if she will be healthy, and what if we slip up and don't think about protecting her from that one little thing that turns out to be what we needed to watch for? What if she does something dangerous when our backs are turned just for a minute? Will being the best parents that we possibly can be enough? What would I possibly do if something happened to this tiny creature who I love desperately without ever having met?

I sat by the living room windows in the sunshine for half an hour today, shirt tucked above my round belly, just watching her moving around under the skin. She's trying to get comfortable, but there's so little room that she can't, and sometimes, she gets so frustrated that she just flails around in displeasure. I can't prove that's what she's doing, of course, but I know it is because I am still the Ducky authority. She pushes herself out so far sometimes that I wonder that my skin doesn't pop open in an impromptu Alien-like delivery. And I'll be so glad when she finally gets around to putting in an appearance (in the non-extra-terrestrial sort of way, please)... but I'm trying hard to not wish these last few days or weeks away too quickly.

I still can't believe it worked. :)

Comments

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I know!!! So exciting! It must be incredible.