This is my now.
Mar. 3rd, 2008 10:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
same_skyAs my baby girl slumbered peacefully in the car yesterday on the way home, I sat next to her and watched her breathing, and I said that I still couldn't believe that it worked. We started talking about our history with infertility and our life as parents, and both of us said that we felt, at the time, like it was just never going to happen. You can't stop trying, when you're in the middle of it, but at the same time, you also sometimes can't see it ever actually happening. The money and the poking and the prodding and the disappointments and the brokenness and the bitter, that's what life IS. When I got that first positive pregnancy test and we were still shaky on whether or not it would work out, the feeling of finally taking a break from infertility was almost as much of a relief as anything else, given the worry we were feeling then that it would end badly. Because of all the jinxing, I don't think I wrote about one moment from the cycle that turned into Evelyn, and I should.
During the intensive part of the cycle, I was going into the office in Lexington every other day, or, three times a week I was late for work. (THAT was fun to explain. I think I had a lot of headaches as well as the unspecified doctor appointments.) M came with me when he could, but most of the time I was alone. The cycle before this one had been hard on me and I hadn't responded very well to it, so it was kind of a surprise when my ovaries got carried away and started responding too well the second time around. They began talking about canceling the whole thing for that month, which I was pretty upset about--hard to throw a thousand or two into medications and then not even try. Anyway, M was with me the next visit, and as they were measuring follicles on the ultrasound screen, M suddenly felt a strong certainty that one of them was our baby. He didn't tell me that then, and he tried to dismiss it as just a feeling that didn't mean anything. A couple of days later, when the doctor finished his business and left the room, he shook our hands and said, "Congratulations."
I didn't call him Dr. Optimism for nothing.
In any case, it was utterly incredible to think about that moment a year and a half ago, and remember seeing that silly follicle on the screen, and that M had a little psychic connection with our as-yet-unconceived baby. (Does it matter that it was, in fact, probably just a feeling that didn't mean anything? Of course not.) I had that moment firmly in mind as I tried to reconcile it with now.
This is my now.
She was worth the wait.
During the intensive part of the cycle, I was going into the office in Lexington every other day, or, three times a week I was late for work. (THAT was fun to explain. I think I had a lot of headaches as well as the unspecified doctor appointments.) M came with me when he could, but most of the time I was alone. The cycle before this one had been hard on me and I hadn't responded very well to it, so it was kind of a surprise when my ovaries got carried away and started responding too well the second time around. They began talking about canceling the whole thing for that month, which I was pretty upset about--hard to throw a thousand or two into medications and then not even try. Anyway, M was with me the next visit, and as they were measuring follicles on the ultrasound screen, M suddenly felt a strong certainty that one of them was our baby. He didn't tell me that then, and he tried to dismiss it as just a feeling that didn't mean anything. A couple of days later, when the doctor finished his business and left the room, he shook our hands and said, "Congratulations."
I didn't call him Dr. Optimism for nothing.
In any case, it was utterly incredible to think about that moment a year and a half ago, and remember seeing that silly follicle on the screen, and that M had a little psychic connection with our as-yet-unconceived baby. (Does it matter that it was, in fact, probably just a feeling that didn't mean anything? Of course not.) I had that moment firmly in mind as I tried to reconcile it with now.
This is my now.
She was worth the wait.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-03 06:27 pm (UTC)I have a friend who is going through this whole process right now, I hope they're as lucky as you guys!
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Date: 2008-03-04 01:48 pm (UTC)I hope your friends get lucky soon. :)
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Date: 2008-03-03 07:57 pm (UTC)First of all, that is an AWESOME story, about M's feeling and VOILA! Baby! I love it.
And also, thanks for sharing a little more of your infertility story. I knew that you'd had some trouble conceiving, but I didn't know anything more than that. Knowing a little more of the background makes me just that much more happy for you that Evelyn is here and now and wonderful.
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Date: 2008-03-04 01:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-03 09:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 01:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 12:56 am (UTC)You've got me crying. I hope that I didn't cause you any stress, by asking questions about your allergies;) I'm sure that you had wished that I would just go away.
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Date: 2008-03-04 01:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 05:25 am (UTC)I'm so happy for you. For you both. For all three of you. She is absolutely precious.
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Date: 2008-03-04 01:55 pm (UTC)