chocolate and cesareans
Jul. 24th, 2008 10:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
same_skyI am enjoying a small snack of two chocolate-covered peanut butter candies, purchased yesterday at the Rebecca Ruth factory downtown for the appalling price of $3.19/4 ($25/pound.) We went there with Kina and that reminded me that my niece would enjoy it so Mom and W and E and I were there again yesterday. I am struck by two things. One--my peanut butter balls are better, and if they weren't such a pain in the ass, I should make some sometime soon because it's been probably three years or more--and two, I enjoyed the sample the first time so much more than I am enjoying this because I keep seeing the fly hanging out on the candy dough waiting to go through the extruder at the start of the line yesterday. Mom, W and I all noticed it, but neither the tour guide nor the man operating the machinery, whose sole job seemed to be to stand there and watch the dough, seemed to notice or care about it. I know that sort of thing happens everywhere and I know that a fly sitting on dough probably isn't going to kill me, but I am still vaguely icked out anyway.
Wanna know what I have been worrying about lately? Birthing another baby. I am not worried about pregnancy or conception... well, I take that back. I am. Of course I am. I tried for two years to get pregnant with E, spent thousands of dollars for it to work and then the little brat broke my rib with her kicking. (Bet you forgot about that, didn't you? Most people seem to have forgotten about it. I know this because if I mention it, they look surprised and say something clever like, "oh! I forgot about that! I can't believe she did that!" I, however, did not forget. It would be bloody hard because it STILL ACHES.) But aside from all that, I have begun pondering things like whether or not I would want to attempt a VBAC if we have another child. You may remember how upset I was about having a c-section in the first place. I sorta came down with a little post-traumatic stress thing about it. In the time since, I have over-analyzed every detail of our hospital stay and the events that led to it, and I still can't decide if I could have prevented it. Part of me thinks I could have.. if I had truly been in active labor, if I had been allowed to walk around (they promised I could and yet, once I was there, they wouldn't let me and I was too timid to argue, I guess.) If I hadn't let them start the drugs, if I hadn't eventually let them break my water. I still remember that as the most horrifying part of the entire labor experience, btw. Anyway, doesn't it sound like it would obviously have worked out? Except it's easy to think of those things and forget some other important things. Like.. how they were all "big baby! induce!" before hand, so we were prepared to fight that one and that is kind of what I still want to remember, but the real reason they kept me that night was because my blood pressure was too high and climbing. And the details of my lack of progression, too much to go into here. I haven't done a lot of research into the subject of VBACs but from my understanding, there are some risks but it is generally possible in most (or at least many?) cases. I was told that it would be (generally) possible in my case, specific circumstances from a future pregnancy notwithstanding, of course. But... the scary thing to me is that I don't even know if that's something I would want, at this point. It just goes against everything I believe in about giving birth in general, but.. going down the same road again and still ending up being cut open.. that's terrifying. I know, it's ridiculous to spend this much time worrying about it NOW, when the whole discussion is a moot point. (Fourteen months in and no return to normal for my breastfeeding self, so even if I wanted to get pregnant again right now, it'd be unlikely.) What the really ridiculous thing is, though, is that I really do know what I need to do should I get pregnant again. a) Research, including looking for a couple of books that were recommended to me afterwards last time b) talk to the doctors AND especially to the one midwife, asking certain pointed questions (some of which I already have in mind) about what happened last time and the possibility of them happening again and c) stop worrying about what other people think, or what I think I SHOULD think. Is that not already the perfect plan? Why do I have to obsess over things when I already know what to do? I fell asleep the other night thinking that clearly, I was just going to never be able to have another baby because at some point, the kid would have to come out and I would prefer not to do that again. Logical, sensible, yes.
Completely did not mean to get into all that, or to spend the evening rereading my birth story. :) I meant to sew! Or clean my desk! Ahh, well. I have sort of gotten away from writing things that actually matter, though, so it was slightly refreshing to get back to that for a change.
Oh, and fluff point to end this post on a happier note: I bought a Christmas present yesterday. In July. Truly terrifying.
Wanna know what I have been worrying about lately? Birthing another baby. I am not worried about pregnancy or conception... well, I take that back. I am. Of course I am. I tried for two years to get pregnant with E, spent thousands of dollars for it to work and then the little brat broke my rib with her kicking. (Bet you forgot about that, didn't you? Most people seem to have forgotten about it. I know this because if I mention it, they look surprised and say something clever like, "oh! I forgot about that! I can't believe she did that!" I, however, did not forget. It would be bloody hard because it STILL ACHES.) But aside from all that, I have begun pondering things like whether or not I would want to attempt a VBAC if we have another child. You may remember how upset I was about having a c-section in the first place. I sorta came down with a little post-traumatic stress thing about it. In the time since, I have over-analyzed every detail of our hospital stay and the events that led to it, and I still can't decide if I could have prevented it. Part of me thinks I could have.. if I had truly been in active labor, if I had been allowed to walk around (they promised I could and yet, once I was there, they wouldn't let me and I was too timid to argue, I guess.) If I hadn't let them start the drugs, if I hadn't eventually let them break my water. I still remember that as the most horrifying part of the entire labor experience, btw. Anyway, doesn't it sound like it would obviously have worked out? Except it's easy to think of those things and forget some other important things. Like.. how they were all "big baby! induce!" before hand, so we were prepared to fight that one and that is kind of what I still want to remember, but the real reason they kept me that night was because my blood pressure was too high and climbing. And the details of my lack of progression, too much to go into here. I haven't done a lot of research into the subject of VBACs but from my understanding, there are some risks but it is generally possible in most (or at least many?) cases. I was told that it would be (generally) possible in my case, specific circumstances from a future pregnancy notwithstanding, of course. But... the scary thing to me is that I don't even know if that's something I would want, at this point. It just goes against everything I believe in about giving birth in general, but.. going down the same road again and still ending up being cut open.. that's terrifying. I know, it's ridiculous to spend this much time worrying about it NOW, when the whole discussion is a moot point. (Fourteen months in and no return to normal for my breastfeeding self, so even if I wanted to get pregnant again right now, it'd be unlikely.) What the really ridiculous thing is, though, is that I really do know what I need to do should I get pregnant again. a) Research, including looking for a couple of books that were recommended to me afterwards last time b) talk to the doctors AND especially to the one midwife, asking certain pointed questions (some of which I already have in mind) about what happened last time and the possibility of them happening again and c) stop worrying about what other people think, or what I think I SHOULD think. Is that not already the perfect plan? Why do I have to obsess over things when I already know what to do? I fell asleep the other night thinking that clearly, I was just going to never be able to have another baby because at some point, the kid would have to come out and I would prefer not to do that again. Logical, sensible, yes.
Completely did not mean to get into all that, or to spend the evening rereading my birth story. :) I meant to sew! Or clean my desk! Ahh, well. I have sort of gotten away from writing things that actually matter, though, so it was slightly refreshing to get back to that for a change.
Oh, and fluff point to end this post on a happier note: I bought a Christmas present yesterday. In July. Truly terrifying.
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no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 03:49 am (UTC)#2 I didn't "return to normal" until Nate was 15 months old. If you go longer than me, YOU WIN, and I will totally send you a prize. :)
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Date: 2008-07-25 02:49 pm (UTC)#2 Ha! I like hearing that there are women out there who were late normal-returners too. I just hope I DO eventually return to normal, because normal for me has never been that particularly normal. Anyway. The books say it's common to take this long but everyone seems to be much shorter. Evelyn barely eats real food, though, so I expect that's one reason it hasn't happened for me. Although winning a prize for something that I have to do absolutely nothing for is pretty hot. ;)
no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 02:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 02:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 05:06 pm (UTC)