Opinions.

[same_sky]

I've mentioned before that I'm struggle to control my levels of tact. I was born without a tact gene. It started early in life.. at age seven, I wrote my dad a long letter telling him that he 'runt' (ruint) my life--this is still mentioned to me at least five times a year. A couple of years ago, I made an active decision to stop saying exactly what I think. M didn't change me, but he gave me strength to BE me. That's when I sat down and really thought about my tendency to tell people exactly what I think and realized that it was not that I couldn't do it, it's that I didn't want to do it before. (I analyze everything. I could tell you why I didn't want to, but it's not really important.) In my happy little world, I assumed that if someone asked for my opinion, then I should give it to them. I still don't understand why people want others to lie to them, or validate their own opinions, or never hear what others think, but I've tried to be more accomodating. I've had moments of backsliding. I let my great-uncle drag me into a rousing political discussion this spring, for example, that left me feeling guilty, but in general, I've done really well, I think. Even my mother has noticed improvement, and she despaired of me ever learning to watch what I say. I've even refrained from posting things in my own damned journal.

I'm a fan of Dr. Phil for just that reason. People pay him to tell them the things that I've wanted to say all my life. He says just what he means to say, and I respect that. I'm fascinated now by how many people say that they wish everyone could be so honest with other people as he is. I know for a fact that people don't want honesty--see above. Honesty just isn't the way to win friends and influence people, but people love to pretend that they want honesty from their friends and family.

I don't know what the point here is. I just sometimes want so badly to say something to someone that I know they're not going to like. I don't like seeing people sacrifice their own well-being. People sabotage their lives all the time and they do it so lightly. Where are the lines between being a friend by telling them what they want to hear and being a good friend by being honest and just making them mad because they didn't want to hear it at all? And most importantly, is it even ethical to sit back and let someone do something emotionally harmful to themselves without lifting a finger to help?

I guess I'll never get a real answer to this. I just wish it didn't worry me so much. I guess the moral of the story here is that sometimes, it's not that people don't care if they don't say anything; it's that they're terrified of saying what they actually mean.

Comments

[courtesy.livejournal.com]

Reading this, I felt as though I'd written it myself. Except that it's clearly taken me much longer to learn any element of 'tact'. Sometimes I still choose to pretend that I don't know what that means ;) I agree with everything you've written, spot on, except the bit about the great-uncle because I don't have one.

Re the friends thing, what I've decided is that there are people (few) who want honesty and there are others who don't - they just want 'umm', 'ahh', 'I see why you did that...'. I personally want honesty. Blatant, straight down the line, ruthless, honesty - and I LOVE people for it. So if you're ever feeling all tacted-out, and need to expel some honesty, give me your best shot.

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

Maybe I'll have to write up the absolute honesty that I'd like to say to someone else and send it off to you. Maybe that'd make me feel better. *giggle*

I understand why people don't want to hear things that are unpleasant.. I mean, I don't get absolutely ecstatic when someone points out that I'm a moron, but I appreciate it in the long run. As long as it's not "we can't be friends anymore because you don't agree with me and won't change your behavior to suit me." That kind of pisses me off. :) That's how I lost my first really good internet friend and is a great example of how NOT to tell the truth. (He was right, of course, but that's not the point. Being right doesn't have to mean being unsupportive.) So, you can honest me all you want. I wonder if anyone else uses "honest" as a verb?

[courtesy.livejournal.com]

I don't think so but I like it! Okay, we'll honest each other as relief from other people, you dirty slag.

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

You dirty slag? *giggle* I don't know what a slag is but it can't be good!

[courtesy.livejournal.com]

Nup *L*

It's like a hoe I think....

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

What worries me is that you called me this after the discussion on honesty. *tease*

:)

[courtesy.livejournal.com]

Just teasing *giggle*

Now go to bed you bloody intelligent, IT super dork, creatively gifted, warm hearted, guilt ridden, swede lover....

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your concern for my well-being and health, and your desire for me to be a well-rested individual, but don't you think going to bed at 7:55 pm is a TAD excessive? ;) Get back to work, you adorable flatterer you!

[courtesy.livejournal.com]

Hehe, I always get confused about the time over there. Still, I wouldn't put it past you to be asleep on the couch at 7.55pm.... ;)

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

Hehe.. only when M makes me. He gets such glee out of making me fall asleep.. he's really gotten quite proficient at it. :)

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

Also, the connection hiccuped, so this didn't post and I didn't notice it until twenty minutes later. :)

[lizardek.livejournal.com]

Speaking of Dr. Phil, have you seen this Top 10 List from Letterman? I laughed my head off:

Top Ten Dr. Phil Weight Loss Tips

10. "Stop eating, you fat load!"

9. Changing your life is difficult—changing the dial on your scale is not

8. Don't waste an hour of your life every day sitting in front of the television

7. Build your own self-esteem by making fun of people who are fatter than you

6. Bully your staff into saying how skinny you look

5. "Do what I did -- borrow money from Oprah and get yourself a personal trainer"

4. No hair equals less weight

3. Start a hobby -- like manufacturing your own psychology degree

2. Resolve to spend no more than $1,500 a week on food

1. Once you find your authentic self, haul its ass in to get some liposuction

[same-sky.livejournal.com]

*giggle* Don't waste an hour a day watching TV is quite good. We used to watch Letterman all the time, but we never watch it anymore. I don't know why.. he's hilarious. Maybe we just go to bed earlier. :)

[lizardek.livejournal.com]

I miss him. We haven't had the channel that he's on here in Sweden for nearly 6 years. But I read his top 10 list on the web each morning at work, along with my favorite funnies :) gotta keep those cultural references up to date! :)